Anyway, in this episode, their computer expert, Special Agent Patton Plame, played by Daryl Mitchell, was called upon to perform some forensics work on a laptop that had been wiped by the Office of Naval Research following the murder of its owner, a naval Commander.
Before I start my whining, I want to say it's great to see Daryl Mitchell on TV. He's a really good actor and it's refreshing to see that people aren't making his wheelchair a stumbling block in getting good roles.
So here's my problem, as Special Agent Patton Plame would say (and actually did say):
PLAME:
Here's my problem.
It's hard to investigate what's not there anymore.
Darby's entire system was wiped remotely three hours after his death.
BRODY:
So all gone?
PLAME:
Gone, but not really gone.
See, gone is never totally gone.
I use some complier code, maybe a packet sniffer.
If I'm lucky, I'll find a zero day exploit.
BRODY:
And here's where I pretend like I know what that means.
PLAME:
Oh, it means, I'm gonna be on it, like a woman on a bicycle, with somewhere to go.
BRODY:
Analogies are not your strong suit.
First off, if the DoD wiped Wilson's laptop, they'd have wiped it to DoD standards, which means you have to get more than a brilliant special agent to recover any suggestion of data, and it would take weeks, not an hour, and you would never get a 100% restore. And don't get me started on how, once he's recovered all the data, he's magically figured out how to break at least 3 encryption standards. In minutes.
Second off, there's no way in hell you're going to use compiler code to un-wipe a hard drive and sure as hell no way you're going to use a packet sniffer. A packet sniffer captures data packets as they're passing from Device A to Device B across a computer network. That would be like sniffing the air to detect traces of odor that a broken fan isn't pushing anywhere. That leaves us with him looking for a zero day exploit ... whatever the hell he thinks he's going to do with that, I don't know and he doesn't either.
Then Brody, no slouch, says her bit about pretending like she knows what all that means, which I guess is the writer's lazy way of saying "Uhhh, yeah, we didn't really have time to focus on this part because of ... stuff, so we just threw in some words we pulled off random Google searches. Sorry, Brody, you got stuck playing the writers' stooge.
So, yes, while analogies are definitely not Plame's strong suit, he's equally weak when it comes to forensic data recovery.
* * * * *
So, what, right? It's five seconds of one episode of a series. It's here and it's gone, and only tight-ass OCD types fixate on such things.
Yes and no. I will stipulate to the (at least occasionally) tight-ass, OCD categorization. Let the defense enter it into the record without objection.
My problem isn't this gnat, but the cloud of gnats that increasingly surround procedural shows on TV.
Pick one - NCIS: New Orleans, NCIS (original), Criminal Minds, Bones, etc., etc., etc. - they all fudge extravagantly and unceasingly.
It's not just technical computer details where you say "Yeah, it doesn't work like that."
It's procedural issues where you say, "Yeah, they would never get a judge to do that."
It's legal issues where you say, "Holy fuck - does nobody give a damn about the Constitution?"
It's forensic analysis that yields a complete physical profile from a cheekbone.
It's behavioral analysis that gives a full portrait of an "unsub" based on how he lays his fork on his dinner plate.
It's painting a plot with thin (sometimes gold-leaf thin) layers of bullshit that defy logic and reality just for the sake of getting a shiny, albeit half-baked story out of the kiln in 43 minutes of script time (after commercials are taken out, that is).
[Aside: Kathy Reich, whose books I enjoy, says she stays attached to the Bones TV series to "make sure they keep the science right." I'll insert a derisive snort here, and leave it at that.]
Sure, it's fair that, in general, everything is secondary to the story line. I get that. But let's not make every single piece of back story and backstop trivial.
It's all fairy land science and technology AND legal systems that let them tell a story that is mostly unencumbered by reality. So, they get to do some soap opera kind of story and make it look cool and high-techy or (cough-cough) relevant to today's headlines, but without an anchor of veracity. Why don't they just set these shows on an old west asteroid where monkeys and sharks are the chief protagonists? They could introduce lots of additional dramatic tension using cases and story lines that sometimes demand opposable thumbs to solve, and other times demand razor sharp teeth to solve.
Now tell me that wouldn't be cool!
I know my wife would enjoy it a lot more if I wasn't almost continually saying "Yeah, but that wouldn't ..." Actually, she does it, too, just not as much as me. Plus, I'm training myself to hold it in. She knows what's happening when I twitch, but don't say anything, or when I open my mouth, freeze, and close it again.
Anyway - how about them sharks and monkeys - think they can solve this week's case with the sky-diving cellist encased in jello by a crime syndicate eager to keep her out of a dance competition and track down her inside connection to a tactical nuclear weapons expert? Is it going to be a thumbs or teeth denouement?? Stay tuned for an all new episode!
One last thing - Original NCIS? Sure, they cheat now and then, but it's my perception that they do it much less than the others.
One more last thing - NCIS: New Orleans? Try not to be trying so hard. I know your heart's in the right place, but you're too desperate to blend in, to sound like you're from the city. Folks may never love you like they love HBO's "Treme" but they can love you like a cousin, if you just relax.
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